Thoughts That Lie Hidden
by neon flux
Summary: Current story up: [one last time] “Kira…are you all right now?” He then stared at the face of the one he cared for deeply. “When you’re around, expect I am.”
1. prologue

Words left unspoken...but never unheard...

In the depths of one's heart, such were devoid - cast into the pit of oblivion. One could not stand the silence and the stillness as the world around conituously changed...

This, therefore, is a series of one-shots on _thoughts that lie hidden, _for though two wars may have passed, what's within still remained.

You will find here characters who rarely were given the chance to talk or speak even a single word with each other. Perhaps questions lingered in the final episodes of the series...questions such as what would happen if Shinn sees Cagalli again? Would he ask for her forgiveness? Or what would Yzak do when he meets Kira - the one man who scarred his face?

Thus, in the fullness, extent and limits of my capabilities, I shall try to write the events as the series dictate them. I will remain faithful to its representations, even the character's own being, but would add my own interpretation on what would have possibly taken place had the series gone longer...or given the characters much opportunity to develop further.

Here are stories aimed for that one goal...may I give justice to their roles...

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Feel free to state your musings...it may be noted that I may have done some request stories, as cited by the dedications at the end of each,...I'd gladly do some more...if given the time and the trust to do so. Nevertheless, in advance, thanks for even bothering to look at this.

**I do not own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny**...'cause if I did, I'd probably have the one-shots here into the series.


	2. exordium : thoughts that lie hidden

**This goes for all I'm about to write…I do not own Gundam Seed / Destiny. **

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**exordium – the beginning of anything… **

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In the stillness of the night, I anticipate. In the silence of the surroundings, I hear your voice. And as I open my eyes, I see your face. Your gentle features, and your warm smile. With the passing wind, I whisper my hope – my desire.

I'll wait for you.

Even if it hurts me, even if it pains me. I may not have put my feelings in words you ought to hear. I may have tried to ignore what I really felt within. I may have even dismissed you as someone who's simply 'someone'. Among all these, it is only in this time that I'll truly admit. I care for you deeply. So much that I'm willing to stand by in the sidelines. Just to be able to see you or have an exchange of meaningless words with you – they would make all my frustrations fade - cast into the world of forget.

These lines may appear to be exaggerated, I know. I know you may even be astounded by these words and my language, but then, perhaps it is the time to say what I feel - finally revealing it open.

I'll wait for you because I want to.

I know you have someone else in mind, and that definitely isn't me. I know I may have been such a disturbance or even a burden in your already torrent life where priorities are on a must to accomplish. All these, I know, I understand.

_Walking hand in hand, I watched not far. They would momentarily pause and share a chaste kiss on the cheeks. Then, gaze into each other's eyes – deep and soulful. They'd just stand there and search the windows of their souls. _

Love? I do not know what it really meant. But if love is some sort of special fondness to someone dear to me...then, I do love you. Maybe, it is in this reason that I've continuously shy my real feelings away. I'd simply look into your eyes and search for the glow I once saw there. The ever-flowing time must have changed you but it never did me. Now that I've said it, I'm hoping you'll somehow let me stay - just stay there with you. Though you push me away, ignore my calls or even try to forget me, I'll say this once more...

I'll stay here, I'll be by your side. Though far from each other, I just want you to know that. I know of your pains and your thoughts, but couldn't find the right way to help you for whenever I try to, you close yourself from me. But then, I do not blame you. It is, after all, your right to do as you please. My questions need not your answers. My inquiry's need not your heed. I know you don't need any help from me - probably not now when you've learned of these.

_As the clouds envelope the once-star painted skies, I looked up above, searching for a trace of their plight. I found none, no matter how hard I tried. Sighing, I leaned against the railings of this balcony, allowing the breeze embrace me. As my hair ruffled with the wind, I close my eyes and think you're here with me._

I have kept all these within me - locked them away in the deep corners on the darkest of portions in my heart. Pangs of envy, even before, strike me and this I didn't know then. I was, to say the least, too ignorant and probably, too immature and naive or so to speak. I confided these feelings to you once before but I was afraid you'd leave me behind.

_A flash – a stride of light came in. Fear? Is this what I felt as it graced the darkness that befell me? _

No - - I was afraid of myself - of my priorities, expectations, of what may happen. I held back thoughts haunting me concerning you. I held back these thoughts that lie hidden.

_Opening them once more, I took in the scenery that lay before. Walking a few steps back, I pondered. What else could matter? Are you not enough as an answer? _

But now is a different matter. The timing may not be at its most beneficial moment. And both of us, most especially you, aren't in the best condition or openness. But then, just let me assure myself of my words to you.

I will wait for you, that's sure.

Now that I finally know what I feel, I'll say these words over and over again. And when I find enough courage to send this, that would be the time I can ever truly be free from the clutches and chains of this emotion they call 'love'. And eventually, hopefully, I could gather the strength to move on from this pit I found myself in.

Until that time comes, I'll hold on to what I believe...

I'll wait for you.

Partly because I had to.

But mostly because I want to.

_And even if it were my dreams, as I lay my back against the soft touch of silk, I would want none other but to hear your voice again. I would seek none other but to see your smile again. And I would desire none other but to simply be by your side. For all these are worth it, though they may all turn out to be a lie. _

_And I, the fool who believed. _

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**A/N: A thanks to all those who imparted their ideas to me. Keeping my words, I'd continue this story all because of you guys. This is just an introduction. I know it's not much of a story (heck, it isn't even a story to begin with), and even a tad low for a fitting intro, but then, I'd work on your ideas soon enough. This is just the start though. I'm still open for new thoughts and insights. Criticisms are welcomed, so long as they're sincere. **

**Four more things: **

**1. The italics are what's going on as the person thought of the normal-typed ones (in case you didn't notice, this is sort of a letter-description). This is supposed to be one continuous and smooth-sailing piece, or is it?**

**2. The grammar! Grr, can't seem to perfect that, also, the tenses kept on shifting. Haay! Anyway, my apologies for my faulty mistakes (?)… **

**3. This 'introduction' is very significant to me. So please people, don't be hard on this wannabe writer…please? **

**4. Review if you liked it, or if I may say, hated it. It would really be appreciated (who wouldn't want one?? Hmm…). **

**With nothing more to say, again, I extend my thank you**


	3. asking for redemption

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asking for redemption**

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Walking along the coastlines, he thought of different things, of many things. Images of his first encounter with the Freedom pilot flashed here and there.

_With tears in his eyes, he nodded and shook the hands of the man whom he thought he'd killed – of the man who fought to protect the ones he loved – the hand of Kira Yamato, pilot of the legendary Freedom. _

He thought of this and the scene kept on playing in his mind. He never really knew how to face the man, yet now that he did, one of the thorns that pricked his heart was then removed with ease. How would he go about in his new life after the second war – a war neither he nor anyone else desired? That war – it was not his fault, that as much he knew. Neither was it the fault of those on the infamous Clyne faction. But then, people with hideous intents arose and took power. It was their fault. All this while, his suffering, he attributed to a certain blonde natural's family – to a certain Cagalli Yula Attha.

His rage might have subsided as things became ever more clear in his mind's understanding and grasp. He may not have noticed things before but he discovered many new insights. He had been used and he allowed them to use him. The fact hurt him.

As the waves crush over each other from not afar, he recalled everything he'd done. All the turmoil and suffering wearied his rationality. But it was not his fault that he did the things he did. Regrets? Does he have any? Definitely, but only those he thought was worth regretting. He allowed blood to cover his hands. Why not? He was a soldier, and right now, he is –with the way the past is haunting him for retribution. He killed and was killed. He affirmed to his beliefs and in the end, those made him who he is.

"Shinn!"

He glanced back, with the setting sun highlighting his features.

She ran and hugged him – as if not seeing him for a couple of years.

"What are you doing here all alone?"

Lunamaria Hawke. That's her name. After Stellar Loussier, he found at last the person worth loving. What he had with the blonde was enchanting, he loved her, and though unclear, he knew she held the same feelings for him.

_"I love you…" was all she could say as all processes in her stopped. Her eyes gently slid to a close. All he could do was cry as he held on to the lifeless body of the one he failed to protect – of the one he loved with all of him. _

"Shinn!" the short-haired girl called out. She had a pout on her face, and this made him chuckle a bit. She gave him a what's-so-funny look but then, broke out into laughter all the same. Removing her hold on his neck, she then looked at the calm sea before.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she asked as she glanced once more to the black-haired man beside her.

He took hold of her hand and felt the warmness it possessed before giving her a sincere smile. "Yeah."

"What are we waiting for? The party won't begin in a couple of minutes more. If we hurry, we might reach it just in time." She cheerfully replied, tightening her hold on his hand.

"I guess I was waiting for you." He softly replied. Luna, as what most people fondly call her, must not have heard this for she suddenly ran towards the roadside – dragging him in the process literally. Stumbling in his steps, he couldn't help but laugh all the while. If there was anything else which could compare to this single moment, then, he'd gladly die to have a glimpse of it.

With unruly hair, he desperately combed it with his hands, the other holding on to the woman beside her, upon reaching a familiar estate's doors.

"Relax, Shinn. It's not like they're expecting you to look all glitz up tonight." Assured the woman. She always wore this smile on her lips, continuously reminding him that it was all for him. He smiled once more at the thought as he lowered his hand. She was right. He did have some resemblance with Cagalli's brother, and surely she won't mind him not being fancied up for such an informal event like a get-together.

"You ready to meet everyone?" she looked at him in the eye. She already met with everyone else, her sister – Meyrin – being close to the Archangel and even the Eternal crew. Of course, this was with much regard to her connection with the Justice pilot, Athrun Zala.

He was mostly left out of such gatherings. One of his many similarities with Kira Yamato. He, like the brown-haired coordinator, found solace by being with himself. Perhaps the peace in this universe was too much for him to bear with. The feeling was like that of when the rays of light suddenly strike one's newly-opened eyes.

He nodded and looked forward. He wasn't anticipating to be welcomed with arduous greetings. He wasn't even anticipating for anything at all. When it comes to this point, he figured remaining on the sidelines would be most effective. He doesn't want to be the center of the talk on this particular evening. He just wants what anyone else doesn't want in an acquaintance party – be left with himself.

She knocked on the door and soon, it was opened before them, revealing a very cheery Meyrin.

"Luna!" she cried as she hugged her sister all too tight. This, however enthusiastic, left the Destiny pilot puzzled and somehow, envious. Losing grip of her hand, he moved aside, looking at the exchange of gestures between the sisters. Thoughts of his own family came rushing in. What could he not trade for a single hug with his sister? What could he not do for a touch of his own blood?

"Oh, Shinn, you're here…" replied a flustered Meyrin after the very warm welcome to Luna. She let go of her hold on her sister and then took a good look at the man with her.

"It's good to see you again." She then said as she gave a smile to the man.

"Same here." Replied Shinn. He never really knew what to say. After all, he didn't get the chance to have a word with her – after all that he'd done.

_"Shinn, what happened?" asked a very emotional Luna. "Where's Meyrin? What happened to Meyrin?" She really wanted an answer but all he could do was avoid her gaze. She must've known what happened. He couldn't get himself to speak the truth. How could he say that he killed Athrun, and with his death came Meyrin's as well? _

"Everyone's waiting. Now that you guys are here, we can begin…" Meyrin told the two as she led the way towards the mansion.

They again stood before a door. One could hear the muffled sounds from the other side. Voices and more. Everyone must be there, right beneath this structure. Luna glanced at Shinn and noticed the expression he wore on his face. Not that of anxiety nor of gleefulness. It's just plain and unexpecting, as if he's carrying something on his shoulders.

"Shinn," she whispered so that only he can hear. She doesn't want to startle her sister.

"Yeah?" he replied, his gaze still affixed on the door. She was about to continue when suddenly, Meyrin faced them and excused herself. They simply nodded as they watched her strode off towards the other corridor.

"By the way, they're there. Just open that door and I'll come later on." She remarked before disappearing from their sight.

"I guess we better enter." Suggested Shinn, without taking even a look at the one whose hand he held on tightly. She never took her eyes off him. She was worried, there's no doubt. This was, after all, the first time Shinn's ever going to meet anyone – really meet everyone. Not just an exchange of 'his' or 'hellos' but that type of knowing each one's own person fully. And she was not sure if he was ready for this.

"Luna?" he asked, finally looking on at her. His eyes filled with worry as she snapped back to reality. She smiled once more at him and then uttered a "Let's go then" to the delight of the man. 'She's all right, that's good.' He thought to himself. It wasn't like her to act like what she did earlier. And it would deeply hurt him if it was because of him. Turning on the knob, the bright light welcomed their sight. The cheering and the festive atmosphere of the room entertaining their senses.

"Shinn and Lunamaria's here!" shouted an enthusiastic Mir upon seeing the two. She walked on and approached them. "Where's Meyrin?" she inquired upon noticing that the other red-head wasn't anywhere in sight.

"She said she'll just get something." Replied Luna as she once more glanced at her partner. Shinn looked stupefied and stiff. Shock still on his face as soon as he entered the room. It didn't take quite a long time before the events could fully register on his mind. No one actually paid too much attention on their arrival. As soon as Mir announced their presence, everyone simply looked on and gave them a smile or two. After that, they proceeded with what they're doing. Others sing the karaoke and some delight themselves with alcoholic beverages. And still a handful entertained themselves by merely chatting with each other.

"Shinn, let's go." Urged Luna. He nodded and walked on. He really was happy that they didn't make too much of a fuss on his presence. He was, to mention, the one who got the guts to take the Freedom down and even the Justice pilot. He was a mercenary, one who'd follow as what was ordered of him. Then, here he was. How twisted fate could be? Now, he was with them – the people he once considered his enemies.

"So, I'm Mir by the way." The brown-haired Natural then lifted her hand towards Shinn. He returned the gesture as he introduced himself. "Shinn, Shinn Asuka. Nice to meet you." He formally greeted.

"Do feel free to do everything you want. The others won't bite." Invited Mir afterwhich, she herself moved away and took a seat on a cushion nearby. "Luna, I think I'll just go get some air outside…" informed Shinn as he focused his attention on the other side of the spacious room.

"You sure you don't need anything else? I mean, I could introduce you to everyone here. You don't know how much they'd want to meet you."

"No, thanks anyway. I'd be back in a couple of minutes. I'm just going to wander around, I guess."

"Do you want me to accompany you?" she asked, somehow worry evident in her voice. He smiled at her and shook his head.

"I'll be back." Was all he said as he let go of his grip on her hand. She then nodded and told him she'd wait right at that room, then pointed on some chatting females. He took notice of one of them and recognized her as Lacus Clyne. He then waved at Luna and walked away.

Closing the door behind him, he found himself again in the same corridor. The sounds died down as he walked further to the other side – to the direction where Meyrin earlier went. As he did this, he erased all sort of thoughts in his mind. He just wanted to feel the surroundings and probably let go of whatever doubts he held on.

It was in this wandering that he accidentally bumped on something – or was it someone?

He fell on is back as the impact pulled him to the floor. They collided on the head, and this sent some bolts on his nerves.

"Ow!" he cried as he caressed the newly-formed lump on his head.

"Watch where you're going!" he said, as if on impulse.

"I should say that to you." Replied the other, doing the same thing as he did. Both stood up and looked at the other.

Silence ate the two.

"Ms. Attha." Meekly said the man. His eyes, still focused on the one before him.

"What's with the formality? Cagalli's fine by me." She replied, authoritativeness never lost in her tone.

As if ignoring what took place, Shinn immediately lifted his hand towards the woman and as instantly introduced himself.

"I'm Shinn, Shinn Asuka..."

She eyed him on as she shook his hand. "I know. We met, remember?" she spoke, as if reminding him of their first encounter.

_"That's what all the Attha's do anyway…" with bitterness in his voice, he glared at her. Memories of the past flying freely on his enraged mind. She was there, preaching about peace without even knowing the extent of the opposite's damage. His parents believed in them, and trusted every word they said. But, look where it took them…it only left them dead. _

Letting go of the gesture, both found neither the words to say to the other. As if each was waiting for what the other had to say. And since no one took the initiative, what could they do but simply stand there and stare at something else.

Cagalli didn't know what to say or what to do at the moment. She didn't know him that much and they had a bitter parting. She was never given the chance to talk to him or engage in any other conversation with him during the war. They did had some misunderstandings and misgivings but then, never had a sensible talk. All their beliefs seemed to be located on two distant opposite ends. This reality often left her wondering if they'll ever come into terms with each other. She was the chief representative of Orb and he, an ace pilot of Zaft. And the fact that he detested her father's words and ideals pierced her heart's insides. His rage was too much for her to bear that she always ended up crying in Athrun's arms. And all these thoughts she allowed to linger in her mind.

Shinn found no proper words else to say. He knew of her knowledge on his bitterness and even had a glimpse of his past. He was short-tempered and impulsive. He blamed her father for his family's death, and now, found himself doing the same to her. He was being unfair – that, he realized now. All he thought about before was on how intent he was to destroy Orb, the state which failed to protect the dearest in his heart. All he focused upon was vengeance. His anger ate him and his hatred consumed him. He only knew of his pains and his sufferings. And these were all that he ever focused on. He had the skills and he used it to follow his ideals. He was a soldier and obedience was a must. These feelings were what others used to fuel him up in his fights and alter his strong beliefs. These were the ones which led him to what he was.

But then, never had it crossed his mind. He was self-centered – that much he'd willingly admit. For in the entire course of the war, he only thought about himself and merely ignored everything else. He said harsh words to this woman before. He desecrated the only memory she had of her father and yet, these entire he did for his own self-interest. To glorify himself? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. He never knew of the sufferings she had. He never knew what it felt like to be in her position. And because of this ignorance, he blinded himself with false beliefs. Because of the same, he stood there, not knowing what to do or say next.

Finally noticing the deafening silence could no longer be endured by either, both decided to simply let the conversation flow naturally. Only, someone had to start it.

"Mr. Asuka…" "Cagalli…" both blushed as they spoke at the same time.

"You first…" urged Cagalli.

"No, you go first." Replied a still-blushing Shinn.

"Fine. Mr. Asuka…"

"Shinn, please call me Shinn." Interrupted the man as he lowered his head.

Cagalli took this as a sign and went on.

"I don't know exactly how to face you after what happened between us during the war," she then stopped, as if trying to find the right words to say.

"Well, honestly, I really had nothing against you. In fact, I'm the type who lets go of the past as immediately as it passed. What I'm saying is that I don't care whatever happened before. And that if there's anything I ever regretted, it's the fact that I didn't have enough courage and strength then to protect my people." She took another pause as she observed the man. She couldn't clearly see his reaction and so she simply continued.

"I'm sorry about your family. I know my father is, too. We never wanted anyone's life to be lost. All we ever wanted was to save the people and let them live a life they deserve to live. The war is for those who made it and not for those who didn't." she tried to say these as slow as and as convicted as possible.

"But it never leaves anyone unscathed…" Shinn then looked at her. His eyes a little red.

"Nor does it leave anyone with much options." She replied.

She then walked on, leaning against the railings of the corridor. Her eyes shifted from the waving leaves of the trees to the stagnant poses of the flowers.

Shinn leaned his back against the wall. His eyes fixed on the floor. Once more, he listened to the muffles of the wind. He liked the air and it cooled him.

"My parents had strong ideals." He suddenly spoke, which caused a surprise on the blonde natural.

Cagalli then turned her head to look at the man. He had his eyes closed.

"They were all in support to your father. I was actually not interested in politics. I don't care whoever's on the spot so long as I get to do what I want. But then I suppose if only I listened to him, if only I was as politically-inclined like my parents, then I would understand everything as clear as they did. Then, I wouldn't be as I was on our first meeting." He ended as he opened his eyes. He looked at her and gathered enough courage to once more continue his thoughts. But as he was about to speak, the two were interrupted by a loud noise, coming from the room where the party was held.

"We better get going…" she suggested and without even waiting for his reply, walked towards the corridors. He didn't have much choice but to move along. Still, he was determined to tell her something very important, something she ought to hear from him directly.

She was about to turn the knob upon reaching the door leading to the room.

"Wait!" Shinn called out, walking not too far from where she stood. She turned around and looked at him, eyeing him curiously.

"I'm…I'm sorry – for everything I've done. I'm really sorry…"

She simply looked at him, and for a moment, he thought he'd have to kneel before her just so he could ask for her forgiveness.

"Forgiveness is not for me to give and neither is it for me to receive. The war doesn't leave anyone unscathed – true. But do not forget that neither does it give anyone much options too. If it is our fault that we sinned, it's simply more because we had to, but does not necessarily mean that we truly want to."

She then opened the door as the two were greeted by a loud roar.

"Welcome aboard, Shinn!"

**End **


	4. utterance of the wind

**A/N: Wow! I couldn't believe how fast I update, or how fast writers in here do the same. Last time I checked, there were like 4155 plus stories in this subcategory, now, they've reproduced literally! A marvelous 4180 (and still counting) interesting plots to read. Hurray for that! Haha. Anyway, I guess I had nothing much to do and that was the reason behind this sense of urgency on my part. Turning back, as I've said, I'll try to work on your ideas and suggestions. This one is also in accordance with those words of mine. A slight warning though, it is to take note I'm a wannabe writer, there may be technical errors splashed all over and they require your unvarying and uncompromising understanding. I do hope that in even the littlest of ways, I was able to deliver this story in your liking. Hope you really did though…**

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utterance of the wind – a continuation of asking for redemption

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Perhaps the wind may whisper my thoughts. Of blasphemous beliefs or of unreachable forebodings. These are my eagerness in showing, my frailty in its peak. But then, how could I see what lies ahead? _

Their laughter echoed into the room. Everyone prepared for this event. No matter how informal, no matter how insignificant others may think it was, to those in this space, it would begin a new chapter – a new beginning of a growing camaraderie.

As the doorknob clicked, we knew who it was, or rather, who they were. In a loud roar, everyone cheered:

"Welcome aboard, Shinn!"

Then, as if on cue, everyone broke into laughter – endless sums of it as merrymaking filled the area once more, festivity in the atmosphere. In the dead of the night, here we are, in celebration of the arrival of a new ally. Wait, was he new? Or have we regarded him as an ally long ago? Even the captain of the Archangel never thought of such things before. The military life was so tense – scrutinizing even the tiniest details of discipline. Following strict codes and complying to utmost superior orders. It was their life, and they had not much choices than to abide.

"_Why are they transferring me? I guess, there's nothing I can do about it then…" the blonde man then wore his hat upright and gave a certain brown-haired woman a salute. Tears were evident in her eyes as she watched him walk away._

"Ms. Murrue,"

A brown-haired man called. I took a final gulp of my drink. Being modest, I wiped off whatever residue it left on my lips. Then, as formal as the call, I faced him and greeted him.

"Kira, is there any problem?"

He still had the same look in his eyes – that of bewildering doubts yet this time more in clarity. The dark clouds that shadowed them once no longer held the entirety of his orbs but rather filled the tiny gaps that the mood left within.

"Well, it seems you're thinking of too many things today…" he started. Of course, I knew this 'kid' for we underwent the torrents of the war together. I, being the captain of the ship he's on and the one who caused him and his civilian friends an automatic entry to military life. I never really knew if he forgave me for that, but with the way he's been showing, I strongly believe he did.

Glancing at his back, I noticed a certain pink-haired girl looking in our direction. She's not staring, just, as I put it, observing. And just so she could appear as innocent to her act, she'd shift her eyes somewhere else, but then after a while, return her gaze on us – or rather, on me.

Focusing once more on the man before, I cleared my throat and tried to remain as composed as possible.

"Did Ms. Clyne send you over?"

It wasn't in obscurity but I know all too well what this boy had to say. He tried to shrug his shoulders but with regards to my prying over, he then nodded.

"Yeah. But, it wasn't only her motive, it was as much as my intent, too." He was quick in adding. He never really wanted to offend me or give even the slightest impression that he didn't care. He was always this gentle – always this kind.

"So, what do you want to know?" I asked in all sincerity though I already knew his reason, still, I wanted to know how he'd tell it to me.

"How are you?" I knew it. Straight to the point at that. I guess he never really had a good taste in starting a topic. He was the sensitive type but maybe too much of it could really give some side effects.

"I'm quite all right." No words could compare to these. The effect is quite the same as 'I'm okay' but the formality and the degree of sincerity vary. I may have appeared tired, which in fact I am but somehow, no matter how much I tried to surface such feeling, this man before me couldn't get it.

I then took my gaze off him and looked on at a very flustered and surprised black-haired man. He was being crowded by almost everyone that his face painted an "I surrender" portrait. And the sight made me laugh. This caused a worry at the Freedom pilot. I answered his inquiry by pointing at the man of the hour – Shinn Asuka. He then looked at the direction. His reaction was different. It was more of how a fellow soldier, and a young age at that, would react. A simple smile and a contented gesture was enough to express how Kira felt upon laying eyes on him.

"You met him?" I asked, both our eyes still on the black-haired coordinator.

"Just once. We never had a talk since then."

"How was your first meeting? Or should I say, introduction?" I couldn't help but ask for these two were in an all-out war against each other. Neither knew of the other and both had different beliefs. Though how ironic, in terms of objectives they somehow got along. I had Athrun Zala to attest to that.

Knowing the answer to my own question, I guess, I just wanted to know this comrade of mine a little more. And perhaps, I was, to admit, curious as to what this Shinn may appear like.

"It went well. We shook hands and made a promise to help each other maintain the peace on this universe. No matter how hard, I guess I could say I discovered a new-found strength as I held a grip on his hand." He said these as he lowered his head. I followed the gaze of his eyes – it landed on his right hand. Perhaps Kira still hold the memory fresh in his mind and the touch still new to his feel.

"He looks a lot like you." I muttered, breaking him from his supposed-like trance.

"Maybe you just see yourself in him." I added and then took a good look at Shinn.

"Yeah." He whispered and he must have thought I didn't hear him. Well, I did but this wasn't the opportune time to meddle with his affairs…yet. I knew of someone who's capable of doing that, and that someone was approaching us right now as we speak.

"Ms. Ramius," the pink-haired woman called out as soon as she reached where we were.

"Ms. Clyne." I greeted and gave her one of my distinct smiles. She did the same and it was to take note that upon her arrival, Kira placed a hand over her shoulder. He may have done this unconsciously but then, no matter how much I wanted to tease these two, I'd rather ignore it and be satisfied with whatever she's got to say. I guess I was really happy for the both of them. It showed on my face, and how!

"It's a perfect evening for acquaintance, have you met Mr. Asuka already?" Lacus fondly asked. No matter what I say or how many people I've already met in this lifetime, no one could really compare to this lady before me.

"No wonder Mwu regarded her as a princess…" I recalled to myself.

"Ms. Ramius? Is anything the matter?" Inquired a worried-looking Lacus Clyne. I shrugged my shoulders as I ordered another glass of wine. I looked at their direction, asking whether they would want one too. Kira just lifted his hand slightly. I took this as a no as a glass came on my way.

"I'm fine. And as for your question, I still haven't gotten the chance to introduce myself to Mr. Asuka. Though I'd really love to if given the chance." I replied, trying hard to remember whether I answered her question perfectly or not. She gave me another smile as Kira just looked on.

"Do you want us to introduce you to him? We could help you out." She offered, sparing me no chance to back out. I chuckled at this gesture. I knew of her influence but never really got the chance to fully have a taste of it…until now. Her eyes looked on straight at mine and this caused me to drink my glass all the way down.

"There's no need for that. The night is young, I believe I'll have my chance. And besides…" I declined, in a manner I think was most truthful and at the same time acceptable.

"…I think you two would need more time alone with each other." I continued and noticed the sudden appearance of pink tints on their cheeks. How I loved to see them blush. They really looked good together.

With shyness, Kira tried to utter something but I guess my mind was too focused on their reaction that I simply nodded my head. The two then moved away. They must have excused themselves but I could barely recall how.

Leaving the spot I sat on, I tried to wander around. Tried because somehow, everywhere I'd go, people would come up and engage in a conversation with me. I guessed this would be one tiring night. But the extent of which caught me off-guarded. I even marvel at myself on how fast I get to deliver my ideas and reply at the same time without having to repeat the same lines all over again. It was funny, but now that I think of it, I may have excelled as a public relations person if ever I didn't end up being a captain. But as fate would put it, the latter was favored highly.

Finding myself alone again, I felt the need to just breakaway from the crowd. I believe I had too much for the night that I'm starting to run out of anything more to say. Perhaps, it would be the time to call this a day. I really need to rest as my body felt unceasing pain and at the same time, eagerness to lay on a soft mattress.

I slipped from the many people and found myself standing near the buffet table. Luck was perhaps on my side for no one even went to that area. Everyone must have had their fill of food to sustain them for the night. Smiling at this, I easily found my way to another passage – a back door. It was to my advantage that I was among the early guests to arrive.

As I was about to turn the knob, the lights went out. This, surely, earned numerous gasps from the crowd. I could clearly hear some movements from those present in the room – some searching desperately for the switches, others probably just waiting by for the lights to return. And as surely, this incident earned a well-deserved shout from the owner of the estate herself – who else but the Chief Representative of Orb, Cagalli Yula Attha.

This was the perfect time for me to move, escaping the inquiries of these people and finally moving a step forward to my well-deserved rest.

Though I tried to turn the knob with as little noise as possible, the single clicking sound it made echoed throughout the room. So much for my 'secret escape'. I simply pushed the door forward and as soon as it was opened, made my way through the outer halls.

"Is that you, Luna?"

I stopped on my tracks as I heard these. I turned around and as instantly, dim lights filled the area. Such were commonly called as 'emergency lights' – dark orange illuminations.

We stared at each other for quite a long while before he bowed his head and apologized for his mistake.

"It's all right." I assured him. Now with the lights on, I was able to see his features fully. He raised his head once more and from what I can see, he appeared to be groping for the right words to say. How exactly intimidating my presence was, that, I want to know.

"Is there a problem?" I asked, hoping this initiation from me would make him loose up. I really felt uncomfortable if ever the one I'm talking to is.

"Don't worry, there are no right or wrong answers here. That, I can assure you of." I added.

"Um, there's actually nothing wrong." He replied. Good, he finally said something other than 'I'm sorry'.

I looked on my watch. It's really this late and another conversation would cause another minute gone. Time flies when one attends events like this. With much courteousness, I hastily ended this little 'incident'.

I began to motion my foot when he called out.

"Wait."

Dead on my tracks again, I tried to keep the frown away from my face. I turned around once more and gave him a smile.

"You see, ma'am, I think you know the way around here. Could you accompany me to the switchboards?" he asked and patiently waited for an answer.

"_I still haven't gotten the chance to introduce myself to Mr. Asuka. Though I'd really love to if given the chance. The night is young, I believe I'll have my chance." _

Chances and more chances. Such word came out from me repetitively. These statements of mine ran in my head as another thought became clearer among the others…

Maybe this was the time I have been anticipating for. Perhaps, I really don't have to leave yet. This man before me was the same one who fought my crew – the same one who destroyed the Freedom and the same one who piloted a Gundam probably as better as what our Kira Yamato did. And he, too, was the one whom Athrun placed his trust in. No matter how inevitable everything was between the two, Athrun still believed in him. And all these made me think highly of him. Now that he's here, I might as well grab the so-called opportunity. And besides, this person looked hopeless - I could tell. His eyes shout them clearly.

After a good minute, I then looked at him and nodded.

"This way then." I led.

The Attha's residence would probably be the biggest, if not one, of all mansions ever built in this island-state of Orb. No wonder, it was, after all, home of Orb's well-loved and well-revered Chief, who else but Cagalli's own father, Lord Uzumi. Even I had the honor of meeting that great of a leader. Though brief, in my heart, it was worth all our troubles.

Only our footsteps echoed through these walls. Nothing more, nothing less. This man with me walked slightly beside, but more of behind me.

"It would probably take a few more turns before we reach the switch room. May I ask why you want to go there?" I inquired, more of curiosity rather than wanting him to speak up.

"Luna's afraid of the dark. I don't want to keep the darkness there too long." He replied, with slight bluntness on his tone, but nevertheless, with deep care in between the lines. I stopped and looked at him. He, too, did the same and looked at me with inquiring eyes.

"She's really important to you, is she?" And then, I continued to proceed.

We turned once more at a corner, our destination nearing.

"She is." He muttered upon reaching our stop. We stood infront of a wooden door. Turning on its knob, we entered the room. Falling on his knees, Shinn took some pliers from the nearby desk and opened the sole switchboard on the area. He knew electronics, that, I can affirm to. Once the metal plate had been removed, the container revealed a number of switches, buttons, to be precise. Then, turning on the screws, he opened the second layer, this time revealing a couple of wires. In all this, I stood by and looked on. He seemed so concentrated in his work that I thought he may not need of any assistance. I was already going to leave when I noticed something. He wasn't having the best time in figuring this out. With all labels gone, it would surely be a Herculean task to fix everything up all by himself.

The dark-orange hue coming from the bulb wasn't helping in any way as well, since its light wasn't bright enough to clearly recognize and distinguish the many colors of the entangled wirings from one another. In my own initiative, I searched the area and found a flashlight. I took it and turned it on, with its ray focused on the 'work' he's been doing. I knelt beside him and allowed the flashlight to rest on the inclined plane nearby – with its ray still on the same spot.

Taking a tool from the same container where he got his from, I looked on at the sight. I somehow caught a glimpse of him, his eyes momentarily landing on my face – as if not sure on what was happening.

After a few thinking, I faced him with an open palm.

"You can't do anything all by yourself. Don't forget that." I told him. He still displayed a puzzled look, his eyes on my hand.

"I need a wire stripper, if you must…"

And with this, he quickly looked over the table and got one for me. He handed it over as he observed what I was doing. Using the tool, I took the coating of the wire away, revealing a thread of fiber. I then inserted this to the small loop located just beside an unnamed switch. It wasn't a hard task, probably the tracing back took most of the time and not the actual clearing process itself. I then checked on the other wires and tightened the connection each had.

"I used to be good at this…" confessed Shinn. Tightening some screws, I replied in a friendly manner.

"The little and basic things are those mostly left out. We focus too much on what's bigger that we forget its very foundations." Turning the screws for the second layer was tough, for it required accuracy and preciseness. I do not want to let my entire work end up the way it was before – all tangled up and messy. So, as carefully as possible, I turned the screws, allowing each wire to fall in their respective places.

"You're good at these - at these foundations that you say." He answered back. The change in his tone was evident. No longer was he timid or meek with words, but rather adamant and straightforward. I turned my head slightly to have a glimpse of him, unfortunately, the light all splattered on my face made it hard for me to see him clearly. Sighing, I then proceeded with what I was doing.

"If you forget the basics, what good are you then? What good are the skills you have?" Finally locking the first screw, I then went to the second one – diagonally across the previous.

"You could still recall it. You have all the time."

With the same, he replied. I could somehow sense the depth of his words. In one way, I could relate to him but the meanings hidden beneath his statements were simply too hard for someone like me to fully grasp.

"The question is, do you really want to recall it?" I almost missed the spot as my fingers slipped from the grip they held onto the driver. He was quick to his reflexes that he immediately took over my work. After confirming I was all right, he then knelt down on my spot and asked to let him finish up. I was then halfway on the third screw so I figured out I could entrust a simple task to him.

In all these, I knew of the kindness his heart possessed, the extent of which, I still have to uncover.

Sitting on the floor, my back against the cold wall, I observed him and how he does his work. Firm and stable – that's how he stroked his hand.

"I really don't know…"

"Hmm?"

"Whether I should recall or simply let go." He replied, finishing the fourth screw. He remained in that spot, the light highlighting his back. Then, after a while, he sat down, fiddling with the screwdriver on his hand. I looked up at the ceiling and paused.

"You met her already?" I asked, my gaze never leaving above. I could see him glance at me from the side of my eye.

"I apologized." He uttered.

"So how do you feel now?" Closing my eyes, I awaited his response. For a while, there was silence but then, he still answered. He must've been thinking, I suppose.

"I don't really know."

"You should be relieved. It's hard to ask for forgiveness for the things you've done but it's ultimately harder to forgive the sins committed against you."

"Tell me, why do I have to be relieved? Forgiveness is not the only answer, isn't it?" he asked again in such haste. I could tell he wanted to understand everything at once – getting information and answers from his inquiries as soon as possible, his emotions and his accounts taken into firm consideration. This man, I could sense, had some conflict within him. Different to those I've met, but likely to those I have with. A picture of my comrades flashed on my mind as I thought of the words which could explain my views as I presumed them.

"It isn't solely, but it is partly. For if you forgave and were forgiven, you could recall the past, at the same time let go of it. Nothing really could be considered as _the_ answer to all your questions – to all our questions."

I opened my eyes and looked at him – at his back. He wasn't making any motion whatsoever but I'm sure, he pays attention to what I was saying.

"If that is true, then what would happen next?" he further asked as he took a look at me.

"You can go back…go back to the basics and the foundations. You could learn all over again." I replied, with as much honesty and sincerity.

I then stood up and leaned on the container. We're now inches apart, him, continuously gazing at the floor.

"And were you able to learn all over again?" he looked up, expectance in his eyes.

Fully finishing the covers and all that needs to be done, I then returned the tools to their respective places. And as instantly as I pressed the button, the lights went back to normal. Electricity flowing properly once more to the entire circuitry.

Glancing back at him, I replied with a smile.

"Not yet…not just yet. I'm still going back to the basics."

Carrying on from where I left, I walked towards the door and soon found myself in the outer halls once more.

The light really was something else, as its rays shone through the once-darkened corridors. And for the first time, I felt the warmness and security it provided to those within these walls.

"Excuse me!" called out the same man from the room. It appeared he really tried his hardest to catch up with me. I turned around and found him looking at me.

"We haven't introduced ourselves yet." he reminded to which I replied a nod.

He approached me and raised his right hand.

"I'm Shinn, Shinn Asuka."

I looked at it first and then took it with mine.

"Murrue, Murrue Ramius."

After a simple handshake, he thanked me. He avoided my gaze, and shifted his eyes instead somewhere else. I may have given out quite a chuckle for he turned red.

"I should thank you, too, Shinn. I haven't had the luxury to be an electrician again for quite some time. I owe you that." I blurted out. I tried to suppress my laughter but then, ended up with it anyway. He then gave me a smile as we just let our feelings show – laughing.

We bade each other goodbye as we parted ways. I have never heard Shinn laugh, and the moment he did, my heart also shared the same gesture with him. And as I looked into his eyes that one time, I could no longer see the doubts that linger there. They shone of pure joy and that alone made me realize how truly different this pilot was.

Looking at my right hand, I could now tell how Kira must have felt the moment he shook his hand. Somehow, this turned out to be quite a night for finally I have realized what made Shinn admirable even in the eyes of his enemy. His beliefs may have been altered but his spirit was not. And that, to me, was the true strength of Shinn Asuka. He may have had many misunderstandings and misconceptions about his life and the things around him but it was not too late. It was never too late.

As I thought of these, I sat down on a nearby bench, allowing the breeze to sway me in a comfortable manner. I closed my eyes and just took in its scent. It was so relaxing…so easing.

In front of where I sat, a car suddenly pulled to a halt.

"Breaking out from a party without even leaving a formal goodbye? Now, that_ is_ a pity for the organizers."

The voice was familiar as I opened my eyes. At first, I was too shocked to believe what lay before me. I never even got any word out of my mouth.

"Yo." was all he said as he raised his two fingers slightly above his brow in a somewhat salute-like manner.

Finally getting control of myself and having everything in me work in their respective processes, I looked at him and gave him my warmest smile.

"I thought you won't be coming back until Saturday." I said, eyes looking on at his.

"What? Didn't I tell you?"

With this, I gave him a mocking look. He pretended to be guilty of some sort as he scratched the back of his head, the other hand, firmly gripping the stirring wheel.

"How should I put it, I guess I really rushed everything just so I could make it in time."

"In time for what?"

He then broke into a smile as he opened the door to the seat in front.

"For me to fetch you. Now hop on. It's going to be a long drive…"

As he said this, a wind blew past – ruffling our hairs and swaying the leaves in the process. I looked at its direction as I held on to my still flowing hair.

_Is this not enough of a proof? Is this not fitting of the one which people so fondly call a 'second chance'?_

"The wind's cool." I said, to which he mumbled a "yes" slightly below his normal tone.

He then shifted his gaze back to me.

"Shall we get going then?" he asked. I simply nodded at this and then entered his car, resting my back against the soft cushions of its seat.

"Tired?" without even looking, he asked as soon as I found a comfortable stance.

"Now that you're here, should I be?" This answer earned an honest laugh from the blonde – from him whose name was Mwu La Flaga.

Stepping on the gas, the car sped off towards the main road.

**End**

**

* * *

Clarifications: **

**This story/chapter must be a little blurry to some, so here I provide with _little_ hints:**

**Forgiveness - initiation**

**Relief - acceptance**

**basics/foundations - one's past, or in Shinn's case, Orb.**

**Learning all over again - being given the chance to do things from the very beginning; starting again on where one's life temporarily and figuratively ended…ex. Shinn's return to Orb and his eventual change of heart. **

**Sorry for my vagueness, I guess it's my disease…**

**Dedications:**

**To yourstrully, the previous chapter's for you**

**To phoenix-aerith – this one's for you**

**To infinite sky – this one too's for you**

**And to the others, I extend my thank you…**


	5. stagnant poses

_Playing with words_

_That's what I do_

- neon flux

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* * *

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stagnant poses

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When darkness sets in, it leaves no one truly in the light. All the eyes can see is the absence of all colors. With as much exasperation, one could only wish for such a state to end. For as this leads on, the coolness starts creeping in – consuming one's very self. 

"It stings…"

It was the dead of the night. Joyous background filled the area. The celebration went on through the course of the evening.

"Still?"

Two figures stood in the dark. The circle above's illumination not enough to distinguish their identities fully.

"What did I just say?" Rapturous laughter echoed like strains of chords playing in the wind's mumblings.

"Yeah, yeah. I thought you had it removed. You should've done it completely."

"Tell me that again."

"Whatever Yzak, whatever."

The blonde coordinator then left the balcony. The moon's light perched through the dark skies of the night. It was in this time that a grey-haired man leaned against the railings, just staring nowhere, while still being haunted by the scar marked across his face. Though nowhere in sight, it still lay there, the feel of the gash never leaving the same spot on his face. It stings, that he knew, for two wars may have ended but neither were able to fully resolve him of his pain – perhaps of inner pain.

He simply shifted his gaze, not really observing, but more of trying to find something worth watching. From a distance, he could see the vast landscape of this estate.

"What a waste of time…"

He uttered, allowing the passing wind to caress his worn features. He never even went inside to greet the newly-inducted and officially-welcomed ally of theirs. He found no reason to do such for both pilots worked under the same organization, Zaft.

Was he given the least among all the soldiers? His mother may have held a high position or rank in the military core but it wasn't enough to resolve him of his curiosity. Playing and then playing. That's what he thought. In his mother's desire to protect him, she let her son stay put in the sidelines. His pride couldn't take it, who would? So, he decided to lead his own regiment – his own battleship. Granted that his own blood lay on one of the top spots, he easily got what he wanted.

But was this all that he's searching for, what he's been wanting for? Or was it simply an excuse to have a bragging right? He'd prefer the latter thought. He was, after all, noted as a brag – a great pain in their asses. His attitude though in rarity showed not his true intents. His eagerness too focused on things not worth his time. He showed his rage and impatience just so others may think highly of him. Arrogant as he was, no one still stood up to him. Perhaps his blonde friend, Elsman, could level with his capacities but only in a lighter note. Then, came a certain Earth Alliance pilot – by the name of Yamato, Kira Yamato.

Unconsciously, his hand raised and touched that part of his face with fingers tracing the gash which once stood there.

How much does fate detest him? He not only had a broken inner self but was also blessed with this physical proof of military action. And straight across his face at that.

"May I join you?" asked another, who as it seemed, entered the area just this time.

Yzak never looked at his face, for he knew who exactly the person was. Clenching his teeth, he replied.

"No."

This may perhaps caused some reaction from the man who recently stood by. But then, what would Yzak care for? His reputation's untainted. He wanted nothing more but to be in solace that particular evening. And if ever he'd share that spot with someone, he'd rather have it with anyone but him. He doesn't need another to ruin his reverie. Oh yes, this man before him could ruin that – for this man was the same who placed this indelible mark on his face.

Silence and more. He was anticipating the man to leave. But then, he never heard any footsteps behind. He's still there. And he won't leave him. So, he inched his head slightly forward and spoke once more in a loud tone.

"What is it that you want?"

What does this man really want? Had he not enough of his share in the war's end? Had he not enough of the glory with his triumph – _their_ so-called triumph?

"Fresh air, good company." Replied the purple-eyed coordinator. Then, without further induction from the other, he stepped forward and leaned against the railings, of course, a noticeable distance away. Yzak looked at him, eyes not glaring but rather inquiring. This guy seemingly found yet another way to 'insult' him – merely by staying there and sharing this balcony without his accord.

Closing his eyes, Yzak turned his head forward. His hair danced with the wind. He could've enjoyed this moment completely lest this brown-haired man leave him in peace- his own peace.

No longer could he endure the silence this man brought with him.

"Why of all places did you stay here, Yamato? If fresh air's what you want, go outside. And if it's good company, you'll find the trees willing to listen." He muttered, obviously irritated – not the tone one would normally use to signify his interest in the subject or of learning what the other's really thinking.

"Sorry." Was all he replied. Yzak didn't know whether to take this as an insult in itself or as an insult disguising as a compliment.

"What are you apologizing about?" clarified the silver-haired one. His companion simply shook his head and looked at the distance. He was noticeably silent this instance. Yzak could swear Kira was enjoying himself inside – in the party that is. But why would this guy choose to be in solitude? Surely he heard from Zala about his often stays in the seaside.

"Crazy…" he uttered, simply out of this thought. This somehow affected the Freedom pilot for he faced Yzak with such compassionate eyes.

"What are you getting so mushy about? Stop it with those eyes already. You give me the creeps." Irritated, he told him.

"I never really knew much about you." Calmly came the voice of Kira. Somehow, this left some shame in Yzak that he simply turned his gaze elsewhere and eventually tried to listen to whatever this guy's going to say.

"Call me Yzak." He answered back, finally recognizing the presence of the Ultimate Coordinator.

This earned him a questioning look from Kira but then glistened his eyes with that of gratefulness later on. This tough of a pilot finally stopped pushing him away, and it made a big impact on him.

Shifting his gaze once more to the star-lit sky, he thought of the past – like they were slides in a presentation slated only for him, for his eyes to see visibly.

He cleared his throat and audibly spoke to the Zaft pilot. But as he turned his head once more, he noticed the other soothing something on his face. Then flashes of him in a mobile suit went up like a brushfire in his mind – of the time when he cut across a particular Zaft mobile suit – Yzak's.

"It still hurts." this wasn't a question, but more of a compassionate remark from the ultimate coordinator. Yzak turned his eyes towards the man before him.

"Yeah. Still." Was all he muttered. He then lowered his hand to his side. As instant as their eyes met, he moved his head forward, shifting his eyes to the scenery that lay before. Now that he thought more about it, this was the first time he ever talked to him. This was the first time this man ever said something about the gash on his face – the scar he put on his face.

Noticing the sudden change in Yzak, Kira then decided it was about time to open up to this one. Perhaps the past could leave some unanswered questions but then they could still look for the answers now, could they?

"I'm sorry about that."

Without shifting his gaze anywhere else, he replied coolly to the apology given.

"Don't be."

Kira couldn't understand why. Why was this man who he reckon was impatient and brute less suddenly appeared this warm towards him, taking into consideration that they had not quite of a good past?

As if reading his mind, Yzak answered with the same calmness Kira earlier showed.

"This is a proof of your strength and a mark of my weakness and negligence. Why should you be sorry? We're soldiers then, I am now, but we never really had the choice but fight, didn't we?" he then looked at the purple-eyed man. He, in a way, appeared as knowledgeable as anyone could be. And this, surprised Kira. No wonder Athrun was fond of him, taking into mind the fact that he was short-tempered, impulsive and hard-headed.

He smiled at this to which Yzak wore a frown.

"You're loose…" he whispered audible enough for only him to hear.

"I guess I had lots of things to apologize for…" Kira then continued, sadness evident in his voice. Yzak never really thought much about this coordinator, only his skills and his excellent piloting registered in his mind. But, what was this side this man's showing? Was this the weakness he thought the Freedom pilot never had?

"I don't really know how to start with it. With you guys over at Zaft. I guess I was fearing the day I'd meet his parents…"

"His?" asked Yzak, who in his own surprise, was really paying attention to Kira's outpour of feelings and guilt.

"Your friend's. The one I killed…" replied him whose hands held tightly on the surface railings. His eyes staring straight at the metal, his hands shaky and his body trembling. Images of how he killed Athrun's friend flashed in his mind once more. Reliving the memory pained his heart.

"You should be." Yzak smirked, his eyes momentarily landing on his companion's figure, then resting on a swaying tree.

"What?"

"Afraid. You should be afraid. That's normal." He replied, the silver strands of his hair coupling with the breeze. Kira's brown ones effected the same ruffling, his eyes covered by them in the process.

" 'Cause if you're not feeling that way, it only meant you're not feeling any guilt, not seeking any remorse. If you didn't feel fear, then you're as good as a killing machine, taking lives as instantly as it was born." Yzak ended. He wasn't really the one to give any advice for anyone. He'd rather attend to his own affairs. But there was something in Kira's voice that made him stress his views on things. It must have been the sincerity and the truthfulness in it that made him say what he said and do what he did. His anger for the ultimate coordinator seemed to have its natural death. Maybe all this while he thought he was angry but rather, it was simply a mask he so fondly wore to cover his disappointment in himself.

Never had he encountered anyone who would face such a gigantic force on his own and end up being cared for by most of those he protected…never did he thought that such a man existed until the day he met one, by the name of Kira Yamato.

"You okay?" asked Yzak. Though his question implied it, care was not evident in his tone.

Surprised by this, Kira faced him, hands still gripping the metal bar.

"I guess so."

It was probably his turn to answer this coordinator's inquiries. Frankly, when he decided to join him in this porch, he was more than willing to accept a reprimand or even a physical blow on his face. Kira knew of the pain he caused him and his friends. He'd accept anything that they'd give him, be it openness or brute display of force. This, he promised to himself, right after the long-fought war ended.

"So what will you do now?" Yzak just felt like choking himself to death. He wasn't in the mood to delve into such topics off his key but there was always this small part in him that wanted to know this coordinator better. To somehow be able to look at the future in his eyes – through this man's eyes.

"If you'd ask me that before, I'd say I don't really know and be expectant of the future. But then, right now, I guess my primary vocation is to protect this world and those that I love."

"You've already done that. And even if I didn't ask you, I'm sure you'd still do those. What I want to know is what exactly are you going to do now?" clarified the grey-haired man to which the other went silent.

Kira never really knew the answer to such questions. When asked what he wanted to do, he'd simply say the same things all over again. Most people let him off the hook at that but he should've known this person wasn't the conventional type. He won't take that as an answer. He knew the time will come when the same question will come back catapulting straight at his face. Not being able to escape it any longer, he stood silent - thinking things over.

"I…I'm not sure." He replied after a good few minutes of deliberation.

This caused a bit of agitation on the part of Yzak.

"When can a man be so weak?" he mumbled out, irritation getting the better of him.

"Lame! That's a silly excuse you call of a living. Up to this point, you're still confused?" hastily asked Yzak, asking for an acceptable answer from the other.

Both paused for a while.

"Years have passed, two wars have gone and you're still stuck in that rut? You can do better than that –way better!"

His words echoed through Kira's ears. And somehow, something in him snapped. Unable to control what he felt any longer, in an equally loud tone, he answered back to a hot-headed Yzak.

"I am not confused! Or even if I am, could you blame me for that?"

"Too bad it still isn't a crime. You should make up your mind. You don't have to wait for another war to realize what you want to do."

"So you want to know what I really want to do then?" asked him whose fist pulled to a close.

"Tell me." Yzak snorted, or sort of challenged.

"I want to be able to wake up each morning and let the breeze take my wearied soul to where all those I've sinned against lay. I want to be able to sleep soundly at night knowing those that perished in my hands forgave me. I want to sit on the shore and stare at the beautiful sunrise holding the hand of the one that I truly love. And for every sunset, I would want to hear the children's laughter echo in my ears. I want these all yet I don't have enough courage to even fulfill a single thing."

In a straight and congesting tone, he spurted out. His emotions no longer in restrain but rather overflowing. Deep feelings surfaced and he allowed Yzak Joule to see them.

The passing wind blew coldly as if in lamentation for his confession. Yzak remained as he was, as if registering in his head every single word that came out of Kira's mouth – of his heart and mind's.

Sighing, he leaned again towards the railings – thinking, just thinking. Kira on the other hand, looked at his fist and saw tiny specks of red on his palm. He must've gripped on too tight but never regretted doing it. It helped in easing his tiredness and continuing his thoughts.

"You really know what you want after all." Yzak uttered, his tone subsided.

Kira remained silent, he found no interest in saying anything more. He recently stressed all things he wanted to do and that alone, seemed enough of a revelation.

"To be honest, I don't know what I want."

Not expecting such a statement from him, Kira looked at Yzak. Eagerness painted on his face.

"Ignorance is my crime."

"Despair is my brother…" said Kira. Yzak let out a sigh, touching the trace of his scar once more.

"And it is normal. Is it not?" Yzak inquired, his eyes possessing the same questions and doubts. Kira let go of his grip on the bar and took a good look on his wounded hand.

"They say the only way you know you're still alive is if you feel pain." Lowering his hand to his side, Yzak glanced over at Kira's bleeding palm.

"Weird. I don't feel pain." Was all Kira could say as a response. His eyes never left the continuous pour of blood. His cut wasn't deep but nevertheless the fact remained. He's wounded and he caused this to himself.

"But whoever said that it is only in that that one feels he's alive? Whoever gave such a notion? If pain makes you feel you're alive, does happiness make you feel you're dead?" As Yzak said these, he then turned around, allowing his back to lean on against the railings. With eyes closed he took several breaths and then opened them once more.

In all these, Kira remained still. His eyes momentarily blinking, his thoughts stayed put. Crimson filled his palm. War echoed through his ears. He hasn't fully recovered, everyone knows that, simply because, they neither did.

Yzak then stood straight up and walked towards where the laughter can be heard.

"That needs treatment. Get in before it catches an infection." He reminded. He was about to leave when Kira spoke up.

"Did you find peace after the war, Yzak?" breaking his thoughts, Kira asked.

"You should know better, I didn't…" without glancing at him, he answered back as he walked on.

"…but rather, I felt it." A smile painted across his face. Before fully gracing himself with the celebration in the room, he stopped once more and stood on his ground.

"Did you find yours?" he then asked.

Kira looked at him – his back was all he saw. But somewhere, his eyes shifted to the events happening inside as he caught a glimpse of a certain pink-haired woman.

Yzak slightly turned to see what caught this man and caused his sudden stillness. He then looked at the direction Kira's been looking at.

"I guess you did after all." And with a wave, he completely left the area, entering the party once more.

"I guess I did." whispered Kira to the star-painted sky.

**End**

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Dedications: **

**To infinite sky – this one's for you**

**To cobaltstar – this one too's for you**

**And to the others, I extend my thank you…**


	6. Pretentions of A Misery: TTLH

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Pretentions of A Misery**

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Now I know... 

Why would I spend some time with someone who doesn't even care?

How horrid this fact may be and be disguised as seemingly fascinating.

I guess the fleeting moment for me has just passed.

For another milestone, I felt different once more

No longer do I feel the warmth when I think of you.

No longer do I have to endure this barren "loneliness" within.

I had loved for the wrong reason, that as much I know.

I was scared of losing you...but then,

It was losing you that became my excuse

You had been my reason.

I had clouded my thoughts all along.

Banished them in the darkest of my soul

This heart is young and innocent - too fragile for even a compliment.

You knew of this and the effect you so casually carry with you.

Yet you still went on with your rumblings and oh,

How I find myself direly wishing I could hear them once more!

But...

Is such a folly necessary from me when no words can lift this embittered spirit?

You had been a good person and treated me with utmost respect.

You had taught me how to feel envious of what I did not have - of that one thing I can never have.

And at the same time, as my eyes open once more, it was written ever more clearly in yours...

You had asked me once about forget

I had said and blurted out an unneeded and unthought of response.

Now, I know...

Those I've uttered were all lies - youthful sprints of unthinking and unintervening words of conceit...

all played on for deceit within.

I had never seen you in a different light - nev'r shaded in the bright.

As if I was the darkness shadowing your dreary past

And you, you were something different, perhaps a heaven-sent

Ironic as it seemed, thoughts of you slowly became a torturous descent.

And how do confessions end?

How does one end something which had never began?

So with this, it would be more proper and formal to say

A simple thank you - a symbolic word of appreciation.

Consider it as a sign of gratitude

From the legendery and oftenly misread book of one they call "unrequited love"

You had been a good friend for so long

_Though I never really felt the care in your words_

You had been hurting in silence, I know

_Though you rarely show it even to those who mean the most_

And now I must move on

_Though I know I'm too weak to do such a thing - too bleak to resolve myself with some peace_

And though all that I've said before were from the fount of my deepest core,

I shall say these ever more...hoping you won't be able to hear or see 'til something as close as the right "thing" comes...

Thank you, my ever dear

For being such a sweet fantasy...


	7. Faith

"**To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. It was in their faith that the people of ancient times won God's approval."**

**- Hebrews 11: 1-2**

**Let us fully examine within ourselves what this season really meant…this is not about erotic love or that love with the opposite sex but rather a season of simple and pure love, celebration and jubilation for at last, Christ is born. And with that, allow me to extend my "Merry Christmas" to all readers, writers and/or just browsers here at fanfic…**

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Faith

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The sun was setting then - its orange hues filling the gaps in between the horizon. As the waves ever more crash through the sandy shores, a lone figure sat in silence. In a chair he laid his tired back against, simply observing the beauty nature poured before his eyes. 

How generous, how genuine, how majestic is that sight. Yet, his eyes remained instilled in the dark, they cannot see what was before.

"_Come here…"_

"_One, two, three…" a little boy hopped here and there, carrying a basket loaded with bread._

"_Be careful…" came a lady's voice._

"_Yes mom!"_

He breathed in the cool scent of the western wind. The darkness was coming as the stars appear one by one. The moon shone all the more fully as the sun fights off the impending gloom.

He had been a counselor, a refuge, and a friend. He was, is and will always be a man of God. He, who is his sole refuge and strength.

"Sarah, is that you?" he whispered as a creak was heard not far from him.

A little girl wearing a pink dress nodded, beaming her whites as if telling him she had always been there. She then walked towards the man and knelt before him, her arms extending to his lap. She tried her hardest to give a very cute glow in her eyes. The man simply laughed.

He could not see what she was doing but somehow felt the eagerness in the child.

"Mister, why does everyone call you reverend?" she innocently asked, still in the same stance. Her voice was filled with anticipation. This man had always been a good playmate to her and she felt a special fondness towards him – like that of a daughter to her father.

"_Reverend?" a pink-haired girl asked as she looked up at the man. He kept his eyes closed all the time…and she wondered why._

"_Come on now, Lacus, this is Reverend Malchio…greet him the way you greet everyone else." A blonde man then quipped, holding the hand of his little princess._

_The man in a "funny" outfit then knelt down and removed the hat he was wearing at the time. He bowed his head and moved a hand towards the girl._

_She glanced back at her father who simply gave her a hearty smile. Letting go of the hold she had in his hand, she approached the kneeling man and took his hand in hers. _

_The said man smiled at the gesture and this caused an unusual easiness in the girl. She broke into a smile and hugged the man as immediately as the same graced her lips. _

"_I'm Lacus – nice to meet you, Mister Reverend!"_

_In all this, the blonde laughed with joy._

"Well, people call me that…" replied the man as he took little Sarah in his lap.

"What is a reverend?"

He paused for a while, then in a soft tone he replied.

"He is someone who is in service of our Lord." He explained.

"Aww…"

He smiled at the little girl then shifted his head towards where the waves met the sands.

"Why are you looking at the sea?" she asked, with the same innocence embedded in her tone. She looked at the sea, then at the man who held her carefully.

"It has a beautiful sound." He simply said, his ears attentive to the rumblings of his surroundings.

"Really?"

She jumped from his lap and then raced towards the railings of the balcony from not far, her eyes glimmering with excitement.

"Where? Where?"

The reverend laughed at this as he, too, stood up and went towards the little girl – her voice acting as his guide.

Getting the feel of the railings, he leaned slightly against it – keeping the warmth in his heart.

"You cannot see it with your eyes, young one."

"Why not?" she hastily replied, slight disappointment in her face.

"Tell me, can you see the chirping of the birds?"

"Hmm…"

The little girl remained silent as if thinking about something. She then looked up at the waiting reverend.

"I could see them flying in the sky…"

"You cannot, am I right?"

He handled the kids with such care and patience. His voice never demeaning or demanding. His tone was calm and soothing. It was as if peace was always on his side.

The girl nodded and mumbled a soft "Yeah…"

"Do you still want to hear the waves?"

"But I already do…"

The man again laughed. His hand patting the head of the girl.

"What sound is it then?" he asked, curious as what her reply could be.

"Umm, bruuushhh! Bruuushhh! Or something like that."

This earned another echo of laughter from her companion. He then stopped patting her head as he stood in silence.

"Don't you hear it, too?" she asked, noticing the sudden stillness.

"Do you want to know what I hear?"

"Yep!"

"I hear my mother's voice. And little Lacus'. And the little children's muffled laughter…" he answered, a smile painted on his face.

"How did you hear all of that?" bewildered, she asked as her hand found its way to the reverend's clothing.

"It's because you kept your eyes opened."

Confused, Sarah then closed her eyes.

"But I cannot hear anything…just bruusshhh…"

"Can you hear my voice?"

"Yeah, crystally clear!"

"Is it not what you hear then?"

"Huh?"

She then opened her eyes only to find the reverend back on his seat. She could not believe it. She heard him clearer when he was in fact seating a couple of inches away. Much more than when he was standing next to her.

Her eyes widened. She then ran her little feet towards his seat.

"Hmm, how did ya know I closed my eyes?" she inquired, suspiciously.

"I could tell."

She gave him a 'I-don't-believe-you' look. But then, the reverend just smiled, though he did not see such gesture.

Sarah was a bright one, in fact, she was the brightest among all the orphans. He saw something in her, the same glow he saw in a particular little girl too. And it may have been that very same reason he had always looked after her with much gusto. He took care of all the children and he treated each one with a certain degree of uniqueness.

"You should go to bed now." Suggested the reverend.

The little girl was in fact hesitant but with much persuading, she then gave in.

"What about you?" she asked, her little head slightly looking over at him from the inside.

"I want to hear more sounds."

He continuously wore the little smile on his face. Somehow, the children brought a very fond effect on him. She then gave him a good night as her figure disappeared from sight.

Seating once more in solitude, he breathed in the air. His hand slowly reached towards that part in his face which brought the same darkness in his life.

It must have been many years but he had remained steadfast. His heart was willing and his thoughts headstrong. When everything else was in turmoil, he found peace in silence and refuge in Him. He had protected the ones he loved by means of prayers – for such were powerful. And his faith, unwavering, kept him from falling off the pits of the unknown beyond.

It was in these nights that he called upon God – a special time a mortal and an Immortal meet. It was in this time during the dead of the evening that his sightless eyes more clearly see everything. His ears, all the more, eager. His spirit, all the more encompassing.

He knew the answer all along. The answer Mr. Yamato and the others had been searching for. Yet he did not want to give them that for he can see, rather, feel the determination in them – to search for their own answers in the course of their lives.

His sight was taken away from him but it was never a loss. For he can see more than what they can see. He can feel more than what they can feel. He can hear things their ears were deaf of.

_Little Lacus held his hand tightly as she jumped from one pole to another. She then stopped as her eyes caught sight of the setting sun._

_This, the reverend noticed._

"_What is it?" he asked, his head shifting to where he can feel the warmth._

"_It's beautiful…" she replied. Her eyes widened in astonishment. The reverend then fell silent for a moment and listened carefully. The pelicans were in the sea, creating a familiar noise as they caught fishes in their beaks. Others flew to the wide expanse, muffling their wings with the sound of a hem. Then, the waves were crashing the shores, like a rock tumbling over another rock – violent but enchanting. Then, there, too, was the faint sound of the passing wind. It was cool and calming. All these mixed together formed a near-perfect harmony – an orchestra playing in his ears._

"_It is…" he replied. She then glanced at him, her free hand waving in front of his face. He felt the small brush of her finger on his nose._

"_What are you doing?" smiling, he asked her._

"_How could you tell? You cannot see…" she inquired. Of course, this was to take no offense to the man. Children will remain to be children. Honest and straightforward._

"_But I am not void of hearing, or feeling…or smelling." He answered carrying Lacus on her arms. After which, laying her down on the graveled surface._

"_Void?" she again asked. The word seemingly unfamiliar to her innocent being._

"_It means not given with…or an exception among others." He knelt before her as he dusted the small fragments of sand on her shoes. _

_She looked at him as he did this, admiration on her eyes._

"_Mister Reverend?"_

"_Yes?" He then stood up and held her hand. They again walked the side of the road._

"_What can you see?" she then asked. They stopped walking for a while as he paused to think. _

"_What I see?"_

"_Yes. Tell me…please, Mister Reverend…" she pleaded. Young as she was, he could tell her wit and charm simply infectious. He could sense this young girl's intelligence and extent of knowledge. And at an early age at that._

"_What do you want me to describe for you?"_

"_Anything!" jolly in her tone, she answered, gripping his hand tighter. They'd sway their arms momentarily and in doing so, fill the land with laughter._

"_I see the sea on my right. And the sky above…still colored blue." _

"_I see only black…" she replied. The reverend stopped walking upon hearing this. _

"_Did you close your eyes?" he asked to which she responded with a "yes"._

"_Then you should see many things other than black." _

_She looked up at him, her eyes eyeing him carefully. She could still see the smile on his face, though the darkness started creeping in._

_Once more, she closed her eyes._

"_I see white dots…then a little glow of light from my…right!" she then opened them and pointed a finger at the direction of the setting sun._

"_See? You saw many things other than black." The reverend then lead her towards the nearby structure._

"_How come you can walk this road? Can you see it?" she asked once more. Since the time she met Reverend Malchio, she couldn't help but ask him many things. Somehow, she felt he was a knowledgeable man and a very honest one. Someone who could answer her inquiries without pretensions._

"_I can see many things other than black."_

"_Hmm, then tell me…" she then stopped walking which caused the man to do the same._

"…_what dress am I wearing?" _

_The reverend examined her, as if he had his eyes wide opened, acting as if he could really see the little lady with him._

"_Well, no matter what dress you wore…I still think it fits you just the same." He then replied which caused the other to carry a wide grin on her face._

"_Thank you." She answered as she let go of her hold on his hand. She then ran towards a familiar house and upon reaching the balcony, he shouted with all her strength._

"_Come here, Mister Reverend!" she then waved at him, cheerfulness showing in her actions._

_He could sense the happiness welling from the young Lacus' heart. He then walked towards her and upon reaching the steps, he could hear her guiding voice._

"_There are a couple of steps there…one, two, three…" _

_This caused some flashbacks of memories in him that he held a firm grip on the railings of the paneled steps._

"_Be careful!" she blurted as she went to his side. Obviously, she was worried._

"_Yes, I will. Thank you, Little Ms. Clyne." He replied as he accepted the assistance offered to him._

He smiled at the thought. He then stood up from his chair and walked towards the shore. The sea was calm, not enraged with anger as it appeared earlier. It was more subtle, more relaxing. The weather was temperate. It was the perfect time to reflect on things – on different things.

He walked along the coastlines, having removed his shoes, he felt the brittle sand against his bare feet.

_The children were all preparing a wonderful lunch for a particular visitor and her companion. When everything was set, they all went to their places and awaited their guests' arrival._

_No sooner than they have finished the necessary preparations, their expected visitors came._

"_Reverend!" greeted a lady's voice upon opening the door. She was welcomed by little children which caught her off-guarded. She laughed at the sight as each orphan tried to impress her as much as they could. _

_Momentarily, her eyes shifted in the room. She saw the table well-done and the other children cuddling her companion. _

"_Settle down children, we haven't got all day for the welcoming." Came the relieving voice of the reverend. _

_One by one, the children left the two visitors some breathing room. She then moved towards the reverend as she held out her hand towards him, which the said man gladly took._

"_Reverend, it's been so long." She started. He simply smiled at this._

"_Yes, I could tell, you're no longer Little Miss Clyne…" he replied to which the pink-haired girl gave a soft giggle. Letting go of the friendly handshake, she went towards a certain blue-haired man and introduced him to everyone._

"_This is Athrun Zala. He is a very good friend of mine." The young man then went forward and held his right hand up – towards the reverend._

"_I'm Athrun Zala, it is my pleasure to meet you."_

_The reverend simply paused for a while, then took a moment to himself before accepting the gesture._

"_It is the same as mine. I am Reverend Malchio. Feel free to come here anytime you wish to, Mr. Zala…" with much compassion and acceptance, he answered back – just as politely as the tone Athrun gave him._

"_Just Athrun, sir. I don't want anything to be formal…"_

"_Yes, if that is what you want. I could tell, though I am blind, something more than good friendship binds you and Miss Clyne." _

_With such reply, Athrun immediately let go of the handshake and blushed madly, his eyes avoiding the closed ones of the man before him. This, too, caused the same reaction on the pink-haired girl. The reverend simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled at them. He then offered them seats in the dining room._

"_Besides, both of you had a long trip from the Plants. You will surely enjoy this simple meal everyone here made." _

_With much cheering, everyone then proceeded to their seats._

It had been long since he had felt the touch of the calm waters. He used to do such whenever he had the time but the past two wars somehow affected not only the children but also his solace. Indeed, the wars left no one unaffected.

As he talked to the survivors, mainly people whom he fondly knew, he could see the scars and marks the devastating and unwanted events left in their hearts. It was in moments like these that he was able to contemplate on the events unfolding before them.

Then, he recalled the conversation he had with someone…which happened not long ago. In fact, it took place within the same day…concealed from everyone else's knowing.

"_Reverend," called a young Gundam pilot. _

_The reverend was at his usual seat, simply listening to the sounds nature created for those who dwell on this land._

"_How may I help you?" he replied as he sat up straight. His young companion then went towards the railings and leaned against it._

"_I…I'm…I'm feeling weak." The brown-haired man replied. His jet black jacket muffling with the wind._

_The reverend could tell the trouble in his voice…the worry and doubts his heart calls out._

"_Have you been tired?" he inquired, his knowing eyes looking through the young coordinator's heart._

"_I guess."_

"_Don't you want to rest?"_

"_I can't. Not now, not yet."_

_The reverend sighed and stood up from his seat._

"_Then, what do you want to do?" he approached him and patted his shoulder._

_The brown-haired coordinator looked at the man who was now standing behind him – whose hand lay on his shoulder like that of a caring father to a son – a brother to a comrade._

"_I don't really know." His purple eyes possessing all sincerity and truthfulness. His frailty showing in his tone._

"_Then, go with where the wind takes you. Maybe then, you'll know what you want to do, where exactly you want to go…"_

"_I'm not sure what wind that is." He then straightened his back as he looked up at the dark skies._

_Removing his hand on his shoulder, he, too, raised his head towards the unknown expanse which was the sky._

"_No one really does…don't you think?" he asked to which the young coordinator gave some thought on. He looked at the reverend then returned his gaze once more towards the star-painted horizon._

"_How can you trust something or the path set before you without knowing what brought the same to you?" still with unclear thoughts bothering his mind, he asked._

_The reverend then took in deep breaths as if enjoying the soothing atmosphere._

"_Mister Yamato, do you trust only the things your eyes can see?" _

_This somehow intrigued the Freedom pilot as he glanced once more at the reverend._

"_Shouldn't I?"_

"_I trust the plan He set before us…the path He had chosen early on. I cannot see you, Mister Yamato, but I trust you. I cannot even see the road, yet I know each step I'll take will lead me to my destination. And don't you trust the crew of the Archangel just by hearing their voice?" _

"_The circumstances caused that. I had to trust because if I didn't, I'd be gone…none in the world of the living."_

_The reverend then touched his closed eyes, caressing them._

"_Circumstances also caused this. But by trusting, I overcame it - the darkness brought about by my blindness." He then lowered his hand to his side as he gave another smile to the young coordinator._

"_How do I go from here? After two wars, I haven't found my answer yet. How do I overcome my own darkness?" Kira then asked, his eyes searching for the answers to his seemingly confusing questions._

"_It is in your eyes that you see the world. But it is in your heart that you feel it - the beauty it possesses within its core. Faith, Kira, all you need is faith." He answered, with much convincing in his tone._

"_Faith?"_

"_To be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see."_

_Kira then stood silent, thinking over the words the man with him recently uttered._

"_Did you have faith in yourself?"_

"_It is already given though we never really knew it. But what you must have is something far greater…"_

"_What is it then?"_

_The reverend then took a small object from his pocket and held it tightly in between his fingers._

_Kira's eyes reflected the silver object his companion held in his hand. Though little, its illumination dazzled his eyes._

"_A friend once told me; it is only in this that I may be able to reach greater heights. That I may be able to realize what I ought to realize. And it is my lack of this that I had been weak. And I am still hoping that I'll be able to have this – to be able to say I had trusted and I was not failed." The reverend then turned his head towards the sea as he continued._

"_There is nothing certain…but it is in this uncertainty that we continuously live our lives…it would be thrilling to be able to wake up each morning and say we are alive…we are blessed to have woken up for another day…to continue our lives once again…to love and be loved…accept and be accepted. And aren't these enough to look forward to? Weak or strong, what difference does it make when you know for yourself that you can overcome the coming trials?" _

He had given advices to those who were weary – to those who felt life was bitter and can never be good again. Yet it was in his conversations with the people that he felt similar to them. He was after all, a man – the same as they were. He could not give such advices by himself alone. He was weak but it was in the same weakness that he found strength.

No one was ever alone for if that is true, then no one could live in such a terrible and plagued world. This fact kept him from falling stray.

For to help others was the way he knew was right – the way he knew He gave him.

"It must have been this long an evening…" he whispered as the waves crashed over each other that fine evening.

He could feel the warmth brought about by the shade of the moon, subtle silhouette of the dark.

"..but I thank You for the wonderful things around me, for those You allowed and graced me to meet…"

"Reverend!" a lady's voice called out from not afar. It was as if she was in search for something, or rather, someone with the tone she had in her voice. He tilted his body to where it came from, and a particular image appeared in his mind.

"_Mister Reverend!"Little Lacus called, waving at him as she ran towards him. He could tell the happiness in her voice. This little girl had been truly a part of his life._

"Thank you, too, for this child…" he then placed a smile on his face.

She ran towards the man as if she had not seen him before.

"You might catch a cold out here, Reverend Malchio…" she exclaimed upon reaching him. She was obviously catching her breath yet she wore the same smile she used to wear with all honesty welled from her heart.

"How was the party?" he asked, with the tone like that of a caring father.

"It was good – no – it was wonderful." She replied.

"I suggest you go to bed now, you need all the rest you can get."

She then let out a small and contented laugh as she nodded her head. "Yes, I think that is what I should do…"

"…and you should do the same…" before turning around, she added.

"Surely Mr. Yamato is on his way to bed…" answered the reverend. Upon hearing his name, she suddenly stopped walking and instead listened further.

"…but I think you may still catch him on your way to yours. I believe you somehow wanted to see him before falling asleep…"

With that, her face lighted up – brushed with a bright tint of pink yet her voice full of delight and momentary gratitude.

"Thank you…"

It must have been due to her excitement on seeing the brown-haired man that she almost as instantly left the reverend by himself. Not forgetting her manners, when she was a noticeable distance away, she waved her hand and shouted a "good night" to the man, then, proceeded on her way to the structure built along the beach.

In all this, he stood his ground, listening to the footsteps she made on the sands. And once more he looked up at the sky, in his heart he knew…

_The reverend then took her hand as both strolled along the coast once more._

"_Mister Reverend…" she started to which he simply listened in silence._

"_I thank whoever sent my daddy and my mommy in this world. But I think I should thank my daddy for one more thing…"_

_This little girl could say things she so wishes to say without failing to catch the amusement of whoever she was talking to. She was a bright one, her young age didn't hinder her quest for new learnings and he saw the potential possessed._

"_And what is that?" he asked upon noticing the silence from the little one._

"…'_cause he said you're a good person…and it's true."_

"This child…would always be Little Miss Lacus Clyne to me…"

And as he ever more traced the path of the coast, he carries with him a newly-discovered strength. His heart beats and his feet follow wherever the wind, no matter how strong, blew him.

**-End- **

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Dedication: **

**Aki, this one's for you…thank you for all the things you've done…thank you…**


	8. one last time

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**one last time**

* * *

The damp wind touched the coolness of his cheeks. He never thought this day would come. He was, to tell the truth, not enthusiastic of the matter and the event about to take place. He despised his past but what else could he have done? What would a boy whose future was stolen by an unwanted past and an unavoided present do to mend things? He does not have any much options then. He had no choice but to follow and fight along. His soul was weary and his body lay dead long ago. When would he ever take up his sword and flash it for all to see? If that day comes, it would be the beginning of his new misery.

Two wars have passed yet his questions remained unanswered. He got the worst share of consequences. He fought, he killed and lost. He suffered as it was unavoidable and normal considering the circumstances. As he looked at his palms he knew it was once tainted with blood. The smell of that red liquid still evident. Its traces – no longer linger there – but haunt him when all lights turned to a close. Alone? He wasn't, for as he stood before that wooden door, someone's hand held his.

"Kira…"

He then looked at the one with him. She wore a blue skirt with white long-sleeved blouse. Her hair was pinned with a golden lock and her eyes – those cerulean orbs – stared at his purple-lit ones. He was breathing hard. He didn't quite ran a mile but he felt tired. His knees were trembling and his thoughts – they wander about.

And as he was there, she tightened her hold on him.

"I'm fine…" he managed to say at least in between. He then glanced back at the shut door. They had been there an hour since. From that time on, they remained still.

The wind blew and played with their hair. He never minded the sudden blow. In fact, it soothed him that keeping his hair neatly combed didn't matter. She, on the other hand, was able to keep hers in array for her other hand held on her locks. Her long pink hair seemingly danced with the wind.

He looked at the side of her face and felt a calm on his being. Yes, he was not alone. Never had this girl left him. Though some say he acted more of a bodyguard than what he was to her, what care could he give when all he ever needed and wanted was to be able to hold her hand this way?

He tightened his grip on her hand as he faced the door once more.

"Are you sure?"

"It's inevitable, now is it?" and with a single glance at her worried face, he pressed the button that lay before.

'Ding-dong…' came a melodic tune from the other side.

Words could not explain how much he dared not be here on this day. Anxiety and retribution occupied his mind. Lacus simply put another arm for support in his. She didn't leave his features. She was simply there – looking at him and his ill-looking face. Though he did not admit it, he was nervous – so nervous that it showed in his eyes.

- - - -

"Lacus, I have to go to the Plants…"

She almost dropped the plate she was washing upon hearing his serious tone. Putting the object aside, she dried her wet hands and faced him – him, whose back lay against the wall.

"What for, Kira?"

"I…I just have to. I have to do this. Lacus…" his eyes then shifted towards her.

"…you know one day I'll have to do this. I can't run away forever when I have to face things of more importance."

She sighed at his sudden decision. She knew by the tone he wore that night, he was serious and determined to do as he said he would do. He could not be stopped. He made up his mind even before he got the courage to tell her about it. He wasn't there to ask for her opinion but just to inform her in a sign of formality.

She then approached him and stood beside him.

"Can you do it?" her soothing voice this time was given the chance to inquire. He then looked at his side towards her…his purple orbs looking warmly at hers as he nodded his head. She smiled at him as she lay her head on his shoulder.

"Then I'll come with you…if you have to face something, I'll face it with you…" closing her eyes, she whispered, as he put an arm on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Lacus."

- - - -

She had been with him for the longest time now. And as she felt his hold on her hand and the innocence and affection reflected in his eyes, she knew she was doing the right thing. She knew her supporting his decision was for the best. He has yet to face the blows of his past and though by the way he put it and belittled himself, she thought it was admirable that he was able to gather enough courage and inner strength to be here and stand before the door of the house whose family member's life he took.

"Kira…" she just felt he needed to hear it from her, here and now.

"Yes?" without looking, he asked – his attention in front.

"I'm here…I'll stay with you."

Hearing those words of assurance from the one he had vowed to protect with his life, he couldn't help but glance back at the reason why he was mending his present with his past or why he was seeking for a closure and inner peace.

"Lacus…"

Just then, the door opened and revealed a formal-suited man in his 40's.

"Mr. Yamato and Ms. Clyne, I assume?" asked he to which the both nodded in response. They were then led inside as they walked through a long corridor. The lighting was warm to the eye and the atmosphere pleasant to the feeling. Picture frames were hung on the walls of both corridor sides but contained only those portraits whom Lacus recognized as renowned artists'. Kira did the same thing as he observed how each portrait differ from the other or how the tiles and the sides of the pathway looked spotlessly clean. The furniture only clearly seen was that of small dark-colored polished wooden tables which fit perfectly the position they were in.

And after a seemingly long hour of walk, they were led to a beautiful garden. Everything was verdant as the birds' chirpings were clearly heard. Flowers in bloom graced any newcomer's eyes as both were fleetingly transported to a beautiful place. The sky above was clear and the clouds float at ease. The sun's rays, though early in the morning, caused no harm but were rather warm and cool at the same time. It was as if they did not leave that beautiful planet they called home. It was as if, too, peace remained in this place. Never had either thought such a place would have survived the throngs of war.

"Please, enjoy the view. The master of the house and his wife will attend to you shortly." referring to the chairs situated in the middle, the man then left the area.

Kira first pulled a chair for Lacus to sit on and the moment she did, he found himself a seat right next to her. In all this, he kept a firm but gentle hold on her hand as he slowly caressed it with the other. He truly felt at peace in this place and often he wondered if the piano's melody would ever grace this area once again…had the events not happened…

At this, he felt a bolt of unexplainable pain strike through his heart which caused him to remove his other hand on hers.

Lacus attended to his side, worry painted on her face as her other hand made its way to touch his cheek. At the feel of her hand on his face, he suddenly felt relieved. He breathed in the air as he tried to regain his composure. He could feel his heartbeat go triple as the seconds tick away.

"Kira…are you all right now?"

He then stared at the face of the one he cared for deeply.

"When you're around, expect I am."

The white wooden doors leading to the garden were opened once more. This time, it revealed two figures – a male and a female probably and most likely in their late 40's. Kira then stood up, followed by Lacus before parting their hands to welcome the new-come people.

The male and the female then approached them as Kira and Lacus simply looked on. When finally, the two figures reached them, each one gave one another a warm smile.

"You must be Mr. Yamato." said the man as he lifted a hand towards Kira. Kira accepted the gesture as he shook his hand. The male then turned towards the one with Kira.

"And you, how could I have not known? You are Miss Lacus Clyne. My, look how the years made you look more beautiful and stunning…" he complimented to which Lacus wore a slight blush. She reciprocated his gesture by shaking his hand and commenting:

"And you, sir, have not lost the warmth and hospitality you always showed."

After breaking the gesture, the said man then turned towards the woman standing beside him.

"Mr. Yamato, Miss Lacus may have known already, still nevertheless, I'd like to introduce my wife whom I've married, loved and will continuously love for 30 years and more." with this statement, the said woman graciously faced the two young ones and bowed low, which the two responded with the same.

"Come, come, sit down…" invited the man as all four went towards the chairs. Each one took his respective seat. Of course, Kira sat right beside Lacus and opposite them was the other two.

Just then, the same man who welcomed them at the door earlier came with a tray of teacups and stirring spoons. He then laid the utensils carefully opposite each person.

"I do hope you like tea. If not, you may say so." said the friendly and refined-looking woman.

"We're quite fine with this, you need not bother to prepare us more, thank you." answered Lacus.

For a good few minutes, the four had a healthy laughter. Their stories ranged from the latest appliance available in the market to how attractive a sun rises and sets. It seemed that both Lacus and the woman went along well with each other. Such may be observed, too, with Kira and the other.

It didn't take a long time before the couple broke up from each other. Lacus stayed in the garden with the woman – admiring the flowers and plants situated there – while Kira went inside the house to accompany the other in something.

Inside, Kira and the man went towards the living room.

"I'll just go get the latest gadgets magazine. You may wait here if you want and look around." smiling, he said.

"Yes, sir. Do take your time." with that, the man left Kira.

The living room was spacious. It was carpeted and well-ventilated. It would not take a fool to realize this house was not a meager house. Even a mansion would prove as an understatement. His sight then was caught by a grand piano located at the corner of the room…directly across the window overlooking the view outside. A curtain prevented the sun's rays from fully entering the place. Kira walked towards the object and upon reaching it, observed its features carefully. His hand then glided on the well-polished and maintained piano. Opening the cover of the keys, he found himself staring at awe at how it was cleanly kept though obvious from the manner it stood, it was not used for a long time now…a very long time, in fact. He tried pushing a key and the tune was at its perfect cue. His eyes then darted towards the other things in the room. Walking towards the fireplace, a couple of picture frames stood on its stool. There, he saw a picture of the man, his wife and a boy in their middle. Seeing his face, Kira couldn't help but feel the same thrust of pain in his chest.

"Mr. Yamato?" called out the man, carrying with him a couple of magazines. He smiled at Kira thus, Kira did the same and approached the said man.

The two then sat down at the nearby sofa where the man laid the pile of magazines on the center table. One by one, he took each magazine and gave Kira a brief summary of its contents. He also introduced some few facts about those and in the process, sharing a worthwhile laughter and chat with Kira who was fond of gadgets, as well. Though he would admit he had limited resources as compared to the man's which vaguely comprised of about a quarter of his prized possessions.

After a few more minutes, the males then decided to join their female counterparts in the garden. How fast time flew for as they were nearing the garden door, it was almost noon.

Kira opened the door for the both of them. From where they stood, they could clearly see the two females gleefully chatting somewhere near the orchard. It appeared that they, too, had a wonderful time together. He was about to join them but then, an unexpected topic was opened up…which he mostly dreaded to hear.

"My son…he loved this part of the house more."

All Kira did was stop in his tracks and listened to the man. Their eyes still focused on the seemingly undisturbed females.

"Where is he?"

"Who? You mean, my son?"

"Yeah…"

"Somewhere…I think he's somewhere up there…with the heavenly bodies, looking down at us in this very moment." said the man as he pointed towards the horizon. Kira gazed up, too, and in the process, was reminded of the events which took place in the first war…just then, images flashed in his mind – those of the time when he 'accidentally' killed a green-haired boy in the same age as his. This somehow caused an uneasiness within him that he bowed his head low.

"I thought my wife and I would not be able to see another morning with the loss of our son. He was young – way too young to suffer and perish. Whenever I am at this place of the house, I cry…I cry for I remember my boy."

He then looked at Kira who remained in the same way.

"You must have seen his picture in the living room. He was our only son and we….we loved him, and we would still do. His loss was the hardest to take and accept. He was the cheery one…and quite the talented among his peers. His grand piano was at the living room. It stayed there all these years. Now, I guess we'll have to find a new place for it. It wouldn't be right to let it remain there when no one can play it as wonderfully as he did, now can it? What do you think Mr. Yamato?"

After saying this, the man then patted Kira's shoulder and began to motion his feet towards the other two in the garden.

It couldn't be heard, but Kira tried his hardest to suppress the sobs he swore he would not show. He tried his hardest to stop the tears which threatened top fall. In all these, a question remained and lingered in his mind…one that bothered him in his nightmares…one that haunted him in his solace.

"Sir…" Kira called out to which the man faced him.

"…what would you do when you meet him…the one who killed your son?"

A soft wind blew. Silence enveloped the two. The man looked at Kira's eyes. Kira – he did try to avoid his gaze but then, in the end, stared right back at him. Sincerity seen.

"I'd ask him why my boy…why my son….why not someone else….I'd ask him those things." after saying this, the man then walked on. Kira for a moment stayed put at the door.

But before walking any more further, with his back on Kira, he continued.

"The past should not be dwelled upon too much. Though he may have killed my son, I know it was nothing more than a duty – an obligation. I'm sure Nicol has had his share of taking the lives of others in the battlefield. And it would be unfair of me to be selfish of my forgiveness knowing that others, too, are grieving still for the loss of a loved one, and perhaps even grieve more than we do."

Kira thought he came here ready but now, he was faltering and his thoughts shattered. All his preparations came into nothing as he could not face his parents and ask them for forgiveness, if such was enough. Nicol's parents…he could not tell them using his own voice…his own words.

"…I killed him…I killed him…" words repeatedly in his head, with a voice only him could hear, Kira stood still, his head bowed low as he turned around so as the three would not see him.

"It had been a wonderful day, sir and ma'am. We thank you for your hospitality." Lacus said as she bowed in front of the two hosts. The man simply smiled at them and his wife uttered a "you're welcome anytime" line. But Kira, he remained silent all the while. Lacus held his hand tightly but he did not respond with her touch. As soon as the door closed before them and they were left alone, she immediately faced Kira whose face painted an unexplainable emotion.

"Kira?" she knew very well what could have happened. She then took Kira to a place where she knew he would be soothed…or comforted. To at least alleviate the pain he was currently feeling.

They found themselves in a park nearby. It was the afternoon then, more exactly, that part when the sun and the moon fight off for supremacy of the skies.

"What happened?" she finally managed to ask. She knew Kira would not open up while still in the vicinity of Nicol's home…and definitely not in the presence of his parents.

"Nothing…nothing important." a plain reply…obviously a lie. She knew this but then decided to not push him any more. She figured maybe he would open up by himself. There must be something wrong for he was acting differently the moment they left the place.

"You, what did you two talk about?" smiling a fake one, he asked her as he faced her. He knew she was worried and he felt guilty every time he sees her thinking deeply or bothered by something…especially on thing concerning him. He then held her hand and caressed it once more as he laid his back gently against the bench and closed his eyes.

"Well, we talked mostly about plants and flowers and the like…nothing much really…nothing worth mentioning though." she then looked at the one beside her…who held her hand gently. Slowly, she placed an arm on his and then laid her head on his shoulder – her body relaxing on the touch of his.

"Kira?" with a slight hesitation, she called out.

"Yeah?"

"They forgive you."

"…"

"Earlier, when I was alone with Nicol's mom, she said both her husband and her forgave you…in her words, she said 'Mr. Yamato is a kind boy and his eyes did not show any desire to harm those around him…' and that they forgive you…"

With this, his eyes suddenly opened which caused a stir on Lacus. Immediately, she sat up straight and looked at Kira.

"Anything wrong?"

"They…knew…" he then looked at her eyes, as if he suddenly realized something that struck him.

"Yes, they knew. Why?"

At that moment, he remembered everything the man said…

"_The past should not be dwelled upon too much. Though he may have killed my son, I know it was nothing more than a duty – an obligation. I'm sure Nicol has had his share of taking the lives of others in the battlefield. And it would be unfair of me to be selfish of my forgiveness knowing that others too, are grieving still for the loss of a loved one, and perhaps even grieve more than we do."_

And unconsciously, a tear escaped his eye. Once more, he could not stop his emotions as Lacus held him and comforted him. He broke down in front of her…as he cried for the past…one last time.

**end**

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Dedication:**

**to all readers…**


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